Ricky Harpole column

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Harpole sees merit in ‘a modest proposal’ for surplus damncats
However, copy editor not amused

(Editor’s Note: If you love cats, do not read this.)

I read John Howell’s recipe on how to tan a cat hide last week. Some of my former partners in crime have come up with a scheme that appears to be a surefire Wall Street shake-up money-maker. It concerns a small island nation southeast a few longitude lines off the southern border of Mexico. Now in Galita they serve up some good food as long as you’re not too persnickety about what goes in it.

(O.K. Stop now.)

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The common old garden variety barrio alley cat is a great favorite.

The European and Asian garment markets are still big on fur and a prime pelt will bring on the average about $5. A good Galitian cat skinner will work for $2.50 per day and can process about 300 pelts which leaves a profit of $1,497.50 Now as for overhead expenses, well there will be ranch expenses but that will be mostly limited to electric power bills which will be minimal because alley cats breed, as everyone knows, just as well in the dark as anywhere else.

(Do not read any further)

That only leaves the food expense. That will miraculously be non-existent, because the first profits will be invested in a rat ranch on an adjoining island. Rats are as abundant in the barrios as cats and as you well know are prolific breeders and will eat anything …

 (Note from disgusted editor: You get where Harpole is coming from. Guess what he’d feed the rats.)

We will …corner the market and become fat cats ourselves if we don’t get skinned by animal rights activists or Green Peace or some bleeding heart ACLU lawyer who specializes in cat cases. Look out, Wall Street. There are cat futures in the future.

In it for the money,

Ricky Harpole

P.S. Anyone interested in buying stock in our company can contact me thru my Facebook page.

(Contact Harpole if you dare at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)

(Note from thoroughly revulsed copy editor who happens to admire cat pelts when they are still being worn by living, breathing and purring felines: Ricky Harpole, stay away from my cat. I’m calling PETA. –Rita Howell)