by Rix Quinn

  My cheap friend Buddy — who’s tighter than last year’s thong—got married last year. Below is his advice. But my guess is, most brides would veto all these ideas:       

     Location? Ask a friend with a big den to borrow his house. If you remove the furniture, and guests stand up, you can squeeze more in. (And maybe if you invite the neighbors, they’ll let you park cars in their driveways.)

  Invitations? Handwritten invitations add a personal touch, especially if scribbled in crayon on lined school paper. Instead of “RSVP” on the notes, Buddy added “If you can’t be present, just send a present.”

  Clothing? Buddy and his bride suggested a “tee shirts only” event that attracted all their friends, plus three jokers who wore tee shirts and nothing else.

  Rings? Buddy’s bride gave him a ring inscribed “14 k gold.” He gave her one inscribed “93% recycled material.”

  Something old? Buddy’s car has three speeds: reverse, slow, and downhill.

  Something new? His bride’s tee shirt said, “I’m with Stupid.”

     Something borrowed? Buddy borrowed everything, including the scented candles. The best man said his hair smelled like vanilla for three days.

  Something blue? The bride’s mood after two weeks with Buddy.