“Gimme that ole time rock ‘n’ roll, the kinda music that will soothe the soul.”
—Bob Seeger

ROLLING FORK—A friend with kindred tastes in music and late afternoon beverages asked me in the course of a recent visit, “Do you remember that thing you wrote a long time back—the one about the worst songs that played on the radio all the time? Man, that was great, got folks all in a tizzy.”

I told him I remembered writing the thing way back when and I sure remembered the tizzies (mainly from females about the sappy, syrupy songs), and that I would look for it when I got a chance.
Well, with the help of my office’s version of Lois Layne, we were able to narrow it down a bit, and it turns out that the original version appeared 13 years ago this month, in June, 2002, beneath a headline of “These are the ones you should hate.”

Good headline that one, because it still works.

The original list was 30 because column space disallowed the several hundred it could have been, the governing rules were that it had to have been written and performed in the 20th Century (excluding the abominable Dark Age of Disco) because there has been very, very little good music since, and it had to have “made the charts”—for you youngsters, meaning it had to have been played on AM/FM radio channels enough to rise to the level of sin against mankind.
And having spent a couple of hours looking (and cringing) at the thing again it occurs to me that it can be pared down some in order to get to the unforgivable, truly cardinal sins on the list, with a major determinant being the respective lyrics therein, since that is more often that not what I find most pungent about these stinkers.

So with some modifications, and brought back by popular demand, what follows is  MOSBY’S OFFICIAL LIST OF THE WORST POPULAR MUSIC OF THE 20TH CENTURY THAT PLAYED ON THE RADIO A LOT:
• “The Lion Sleeps Tonight by The Tokens. It’s the “weeeeeeeeweomewe” that makes dogs howl in pain.
• “You Light Up My Life” by Debbie Boone. No, no you didn’t.
• “All Out of Love” by Air Supply. So sweet it could give you cavities.
• “Alone Again, Naturally” by Gilbert O’Sullivan. There is no wondering about why he is alone.
• “Do You Think I Am Sexy?” by Rod Stewart. Should have quit after “Maggie May.”
• “Backfield in Motion” by Mel and Tim. “Gonna have to penalize yooou.” Incipid.
• “Sweet Pea” by Tommy Rowe. So sweet that should you hear it while eating ice cream, you could die.
• “Even the Nights Are Better” by Air Supply. Group should be indicted as an habitual offender.
• “Lovin’ You” by Minnie Ripperton. If this one gets in your head, consider suicide.
And despite having culled contributions from the likes of such immortals as David Gedes, Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, Terry Jacks and the Starlight Vocal Band, we have now arrived at Mosby’s Top Ten:
• “I Think I Love You” by David Cassidy (and the Partridge Family). “I’m afraid that I’m not sure of a love there is no cure for.” Oh, my God.
• “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” by Tony Orlando and Dawn. This can make you hurt your loved ones.
• “I Write the Songs” by Barry Manilow. Should be considered a confession.
• “I Am, I Said” by Neil Diamond. “I am, I said, to no one there. And no one heard, not even the chair.” Loathesome.
• “Copa Cabana” by Barry Manilow. Literally proves the existence of active evil in the world.
• “McArthur’s Park” by Richard Harris. “Someone left a cake out in the rain. I don’t think that I can take it, ‘cause it took so long to bake it and I’ll never have that recipe again.”  Jim Webb on some bad acid.
• “Knock Three Times” by Tony Orlando and Dawn. Unbelievably horrible.
• “Honey” by Bobby Goldsboro. Woman in the song clearly died just to get away from this syrupy smuck.
•    “You’re Having My Baby” by Paul Anka. All you have to know is next line, “what a wonderful way of saying how much you love me.” Merits the death penalty.
• “Ruby” by Kenny Rodgers and the First Edition. Contains worst single lyric ever, “It’s hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed. And the wants and the needs of a woman your age, Ruby, I realize.”
So there you go. Let the tizzies begin.
(Undoubtedly, Mosby would love to hear your tizzy about your favorite song or music most loathed. Email him at deercreekpilot@bellsouth.net.)