I don’t watch much television news because my reception is good and the news is either bad or repetitive. However, it’s been a slow month in my other basically useless diversions so I cranked the old fossil back up to test the airways for freshness.

When I bought that old Sylvania the only connection it had to “remote” was the distance between it and a broadcasting station. That meant I would normally have to actually get off my comfortable Korean war-era surplus army cot and walk across the room to change the channel.

Well, it wasn’t such a big deal back then but the older I get the further away the knob and screen seem to recede. My approach to this dilemma was to move the army cot over by the TV. The cabinet model TV Sylvania built doesn’t lend itself to casual transport.

When I got everything arranged the screen was too close to clearly see while the knobs and buttons were within arms reach. I thought awhile over my next beer and removed my glasses. Perfect fix (until I watched what was on it).

They say them fruits and nuts people out in the Californy legislature passed a bill allowing some newfangled driverless cars on the streets, and acted like it was something just invented.
It’s all hogwash.

We have ‘em every payday and all weekend right here in Batesville at noon and quitting time everyday.

Ours must be prototypes.

The next thing that showed up on my set was the last month’s crime statistics which, according to the Memphis news, reflect a sharp rise in street shootings and out-of-state prostitution by the re-emergence of a rising criminal organization who seem to be superceding the in-house street gangs.

Yep, the Memphis cops are coming into their own over not only turf, but hookers and drive-bys. They seem to have had narcotics at the 201 Poplar district sewed up for quite some time.

I once heard one of the Memphis police spokesmen say there was no gang activity in the Bluff City. Later, when that lie blew up in their faces they declared they would put ‘em out of business. I knew they would but I didn’t expect them to do it with competition.

Then there was the sad news that there is soon to be an international shortage (and subsequent price increase) due to an imminent cutback of pork production.

Now, some observers blame drought conditions in the mid-west this summer and others say feed grains are being diverted to the biofuel industry straight from the hog pen.

But down at the Moccasin Bend Hunting Club and Chigger Emporium we figured it out. It’s election year again and there on top of the usual pork barrel skims and scams we have an election to finance in Washington, B.C. (Buzzards of Columbia)

The condition of college-level education is about where it was last time I wiped the cobwebs off the Sylvania.

A frat student was rushed to the hospital with acute alcohol poisoning. That in itself is not uncommon, happens on campuses all over the place.

However, it usually happens after the scholar drank the hooch instead of…(Editor’s Note: Harpole goes on to explain the procedure by which the student consumed the beverage. Google it if you don’t know the story. This is a family newspaper.)

The Young Einstein recovered and staggered back to anatomy class and denied the misadventure occurred despite evidence to the contrary.

University officials and the student’s parents, who are paying the bills for this alleged experiment, say they will get to the bottom of it.

Out here looking for a little better reception,

Ricky Harpole

(Contact Harpole at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)