Ricky Harpole 7-31-12

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Longtown underwear thief reassigns ownership of purloined garments

The underwear thief still at large in Longtown.

As of today’s edition, we do not have a photo, but we do have a description of his new appearance and his apparel.

Believe it or not, it’s a pig, an intelligent, and therefore dangerous, critter. They are penitentiary-grade escape artists. This particular criminal’s M.O. is to steal ladies’ undergarments from clothes lines.

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Nobody in Longtown will admit ownership of the misguided creature, and there’s a fair chance he will be guest of honor at a feast sometime this fall. But in the meantime, the children of confusion have devised a plan. Two plans actually, because the first one backfired.

The pig (gender unverified) rambles around at leisure and, after having collected a coveted piece of loot, deposits it in somebody else’s yard.

The girls have collected a few of his castoff prizes and decided it’s time to play “dress up.” They started with a Willie Nelson concert tee shirt, but it wouldn’t fit. After several attempts they gave up on that plan.

Then they discovered a bikini top (E cup size). It was black and had red polka dots on it, color coordinated for a white pig. I doubt the original owner would care to claim it. The girls are hoping that the bottom half will turn up, but so far it remains missing.

The culprit is white and friendly, about the size of a small Shetland pony. He (or she) is tolerant of young children, obviously at one time someone’s pet until he(she) outgrew the barn he(she) was raised in.

I talked to a judge and two lawyers and so far he(she) can’t be charged with a felony because the value of the stolen underwear didn’t come from Victoria’s Secrets but most was Jack-Mart stuff. I also discussed the crime (or sin) with a local Baptist minister who recommended execution and consumption.

That didn’t surprise me much. Preachers are usually hungry and that’s a shame considering the overabundance of sin available and an A.M.A.-mandated scarcity of genuine southern fried chicken loaded with high cholesterol, necessities we southerners thrive on (but maims and kills Yankees).

It’s always been my policy to blame everything on the government at every level and Yankees just on southern principle. I can’t help it and wouldn’t if I could. It’s just “raised” into me.

If anyone in Panola County spots a white hog, don’t run over it. It probably weighs more than your vehicle and may have a child riding on it if they can find a saddle to match the bikini.

Plus, it’s too hot to butcher a pig as big as a corn crib.

Waiting on bacon in the fall,

Ricky Harpole
(Contact Harpole at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)