Everybody loves a deal. In my observations the more “too good to be true” it is, the quicker and harder they “bite,” as a general rule.

Just take a look, for example, at the paid programming channels on D.T.V. that new “watzit” (whatever it is) is guaranteed to completely overhaul your car that has been used for a chicken coop for 10 years, or restore hair that fell out with the Nixon administration or practically cook your supper that hasn’t even been harvested yet. They got wonderful stuff and for only $19.95 plus shipping.

With fuel prices racing to $4 per gallon it will soon be $19.95 plus 19.95 plus. Nonetheless we will strike for it hook, line and sinker and if it’s one of those easy payment jobs in three installments they will get the lock, stock and barrel and leave you nekkid to boot!

Well I’ll confess right here that when under pressure I’m as susceptible as the general public when it comes to the “almost twins’” birthday presents. I am also cheap and consider myself at risk on all matters financial but here I am having to shell out and bring satisfaction not once but twice in the same week. Children, I didn’t spend all those years with the body snatcher bounty group and not learn a few investigative techniques.

In other words I went snoopin’ to find out what was “in” or “out” on the birthday list. I planted a few bugs in their favorite mischief-plotting spots, collected the evidence and analyzed the results of these illegally obtained conversations. Among the results come the fact that X Boxes and Gross video games are “in;” Barbie Dolls and BB guns are “mossy.”

Mattel obviously doesn’t manufacture anything but machine gun stocks anymore and their respective mothers put their respective feet  down on any more war surplus supplies. The only meat I managed to scoop out of the pot was dogs and horses or more precisely puppies and ponies. That appeared to be a sho nuff budget stretcher but I had time to think about it for a month or two over several cases of cheap scotch and managed to get both buzzards (oops, I meant both grandkids) with one stone.

That stone weighed 32 pounds when it was 31 days old and came with the unlikely name Higgins. He looks like a cross between a polar bear and the Easter bunny right now but the Easter bunny part seems to be fading. I’m told he is a Great Pyrenees or a Russian Caucasion. Well, he is white mostly, but I’m not sure about his politics yet. Hell, I ain’t sure if he is a dog or a horse, but one thing I know: if they get tired of petting him they can wait a few months and saddle him and put the spurs to him and see what happens. If it comes to that I’ll film the event and post it. It should be entertainment of a sort.

I don’t need to hear any Mamby-Pamby-Land mumbling about child abuse or animal cruelty about this column because it will obviously be an even match. I am not much of a gambler myself, but y’all can place your bets at Batesville Tire and Muffler in care of Ricky Swindle and take your chances.

Playin’ it cheap,

Ricky Harpole

P.S. Give ‘em a dog. It makes the kids think like humans and the dogs too. What it makes their parents think is unprintable in a family newspaper.

In the dog house,

Ricky