Being in the midst of the hurricane season makes me nervous. Captain West usually finds an excuse to aggravate me about this time of year, a seasonal event you might say. The whole shootin’ match coincides with Halloween.

Every year brings a scary story of one sort or another. And the chief executive officer of the boat is the worst. He married last year. It could have been worse. (Barely). He could have married one of those barefoot gals from North Panola County.

Well, since he ain’t showed up y’all are stuck with Ricky’s cheap approach to Halloween.

What to wear?

Well, this is pretty much dependant upon your budget allotment.

And after all Halloweeners are not like the federal government. They have no politicians or requisition officers to commandeer supplies other than their parents. (Or children).

I have collected here a few helpful hints to ease the financial burden.

Makeup

Hollywood does it everyday, and them ol’ boys and girls get well paid for it. Silicone molded on the spot, masks, special effects from Spielberg, all kinds of fancy stuff that won’t work without a camera to complete the illusion. We should start off with basics.

Bullet and Knife wounds: These can be manufactured from readily available materials found in a normal household, if you are not squeamish about a little pilfering.

The first order of the project involves raiding your daddy’s toolbox for a tube of clear silicone. You spread this gooey substance on a clearly visible part of your body, in the shape of a small volcano. Make sure there is a crater-like hole in the center.

Sprinkle into this sculpture a few grains of finely ground black pepper. (This provides the tattooing effect caused by close range gunshot wounds.) Now when a decent curing time has elapsed, you should have a “foundation wound.”

Now it’s time to pilfer again. Your mother or sister’s purse is a good place to start. (Don’t touch the credit cards, cash, etc.) What you’re after at this point is the “war paint” or make up kit. Specifically, flesh tone powder you can apply to the “wound” with a brush. After a few tries it should match your natural skin tone around the edges. Again, allow a suitable curing time and ignore the urge to scratch.

Now, for the best part.

The Blood. (Microwavable is best.)

It’s time to hit the mother lode. The kitchen. One ounce Karo Syrup mixed with red food dye and heated until slightly thickened and allowed to cool makes a passable substitute for Type ‘O’ positive blood. Put a drop of this concoction (oops, I meant formula) in the center of the volcano and light a firecracker in the carport and run screaming in the house to your mother.

If she faints and collapses in the kitchen, you got it right. She will have assumed you found Grandpa’s old Colt and misused it.

Caution: Don’t try this at school or anywhere else where a teacher might be in attendance. They are too sharp to be fooled. It is a proven anatomical fact: they have EYES in the back of their head. Plus they have seen weirder tricks than Redneck Hollywood can provide, and probably invented a few of their own.

I suspect but cannot prove that they are descended from aliens. Now that is spooky.

I gotta go now. The wretched ex is having problems with the kick starter on her favorite broom. Part II next week involves her favorite broom. Part II next week involves rolling a courthouse lawn with the VFW cannon.

Clearing a Landing Zone,
Ricky