Harpole Column

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Founding father taken to task over stance on ‘liquified corn’

 Every time I mention politics I take a lot of flak and get in trouble.

That’s about the only thing that gives me comfort these days. If I can’t stir up a little bile or venom from an outraged citizen once a week, I feel like I have slacked on the hobby. (It ain’t a job if you don’t do it for money.)

Well, there is an old fraud I have long intended to castigate, not because he was in politics and certainly not because he was a superb military man.

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And though he got his picture on a dollar bill and is recognized by some to be the father of this country, I cannot and will not tolerate a hypocrite. Now don’t sic the secret service boys on me yet, and don’t think I suffer from a lack of patriotism.

Anyway, I can’t damage him or his reputation very much because he’s been dead of natural causes for nearly 300 years and his lawyers, too.

And good riddance I say. Aside from the fact that piece of currency that bears his image costs more to print than the sum it represents.

He damn near put my ancestors out of business and was full prepared to allow a mob of militia to take a few pot shots at them for plying an honest trade in the liquified corn industry. And the old despot had a 500-gallon mash trap in his own back yard.

It is true, as I have stated, that I am a patriot, but he was not. He declared his war and mustered an army against the country of birth.

And what was that all about you must ask? Taxes and yes, children, the same curse that caused the damn revolution in the first place.

Why, half of his army were confirmed members of the libation society, and another 40 percent were serious drunks and all over a Tea Tax.

Now, I’m about as Southern as the law allows these days, and iced tea is considered by some citizens down here to be The Southern National Drink. But that is a myth, and a deplorable one at that.

After 300 years it is “still” whiskey down here and will remain so. If you don’t believe me, just check the tax ratio between the two products.

I wouldn’t even consider drinking a beverage I couldn’t grow myself, and I certainly wouldn’t import it from a foreign country. That would be unpatriotic.

And the present government is all about taxes and will not be reformed on that point–not for more love or less money.

Yessir, Old George was the biggest hypocrite in 13 colonies and it breaks my heart to consider the feelings of the families of the casualties of the original Continental Army, who perished to form a new government to ditch that unfair “tea tax” calamity only to find they’d traded the devil for his twin brother. I’d personally like to see old populist George in the south furnace with termites in his teeth and a hypocritical oath stuck elbow deep in his left ear.

But it is a moot point now. He has gone to his reward and I hope it’s warm enough for him.

And another thing, I made a vow to take a chain-saw to the next cherry tree I wake up under, and pay the owner for it. And I’ll pay the taxes on the lumber and the cherries too!

And then I’ll fire up Uncle Jacks old still with the wood and make brandy with the cherries and presently will be in a mood to drink a toast to Ol’ George.


But don’t count on it. That Libation deserves to toast them Good Ole Boys and girls from Bourbon County, Kentucky who wasn’t too much intimidated by that old thieving extortionist.

Patriotic cheers,

Ricky Harpole