It recently came to my attention that the board of aldermen in Sardis reneged on an agreement with the Ghostbusters (Ghostchasers and paranormal other liars) to allow them to investigate the old Sardis hospital building.

Well, based on what I know from personal experience, that hospital is haunted. No more or less than any other hospital that I’ve had the misfortune to grace with my presence, but haunted nonetheless. Not by ghosts but unpaid and overinflated bills.

The renegers stated that the reason they reneged on the deal was because the city was trying to sell the property and didn’t want any adverse publicity. Why hell, a few “haints” ought to be a selling point in anybody’s book. Them old, wore out castles in England have been dishin’ out that sort of hardware for centuries and turning a fair cash profit at it, too. Why can’t the City of Sardis capitalize on the spirit(s) of the moment? It’s not like they’re independently rich.

Even if the joint is barren of presumed spirits, we could, after extracting a suitable fee and liability waiver, rent the old warehouse out to these paranormal hound dogs to investigate and let them carry on with their rat killin.’

There is an alternative, however. Otis Jones has been serving as interim police chief in Sardis. I know him personally to be a fearless man because I used to see him lurking in the back streets and alleys in Sledge when he was a rookie cop. There were worse things than haints in them haunts. There were also spirits but they were mostly to be found in gin bottles.

But Otis never backed up! (Of course, neither of the patrol cars in the Sledge motor pool had a functional reverse gear, but why digress?)

I personally do believe in haints myself, having married one and divorced it and very nearly made the same mistake twice. I can honestly say that they are no longer capable of instilling fear in me. (Just ask my lawyer.)

Now there is another bold and desperate man who is a photographer for this newspaper who is capable of taking photos of that sort of varmint if it stands still for a minute or two. I could see that from my wedding photos. I can state on good authority that he would be game for the hunt because I’ve got enough evidence collected that he would prefer facing the haints to facing the music.

Jason, Otis, let’s go run them haints out of that hospital so decent folks can buy it and bulldoze it. My ex, who is a haint par excellence herself, has even promised her support.

Otis Jones, Jason Mattox, Bodine and I would be proud to outrun  you before any haint in Sardis. But we ain’t gettin’ close to Askew Bottoms. That’s where the “Big Dogs” run.

(P.S. Jason, I will still pay you for those wedding pictures if you will cut either or both of us out of the frame.)

Thanks,

Ricky Harpole