Get the picture? … by Sherry Hopkins

One of us is losing his or her mind and the bigger problem with that is neither of us will admit it is him. Or her.

Several weeks ago I brought to Dear Don’s attention the fact that we are (he is) still eating cheese at an alarming rate.

Instead of the higher fat content cheddar cheese we have switched to sliced American cheese.

I recently noticed that every week after buying two packages of cheese each one having 16 slices we are always down to a slice or two.

So I approached Dear Don in a most non-threatening manner and innocently asked about his daily cheese consumption.

“Honey, sweetie, darlin’, light of my life, how much cheese do you eat in a day’s time?”

Two slices was his answer.

“Why do you ask?” he wondered out loud

“Well, every week I buy 32 slices of cheese and if you only eat two slices a day by the month’s end we should have lots and lots of cheese left over.”

“But we don’t have any cheese left over and I don’t know where it’s going.” I continued in my sugar drippin’ manner.

“Well,” Mr. I’m Innocent continued. “How much cheese do you eat in a week?”

“I don’t eat any cheese,” I assured him. “None at all”

“You don’t eat ANY CHEESE?” Dear Don inquired, his voice rising to a crescendo.

“No, I don’t eat ANY CHEESE.” I repeated, my voice calm, collected and still drippin’sugar.

“Sherry, YOU DON”T EAT ANY CHEESE?” This time he was a tad bit louder.

“No,” I assured him again, “I don’t eat any cheese.” (Actually I do eat a slice or two a week, but I didn’t tell him that because then it would all be my fault and that ain’t happening.)

“So you’re telling me that I eat 32 slices of cheese a week?” Dear Don implored, clearly exasperated.

“I’m only telling you that there is a lot of cheese missing and I’m not eating it.” I replied.

“Well it’s not me either, so where’s it going?” Don asked.

“Beats me,” I countered.

“I’d like to ……..Oh never mind,” fumed the innocent one.

So the case of the missing cheese remains unsolved.

The following week, the day before young grandson comes for a visit I checked out supplies to make sure I’d have something on hand to feed him while he’s here.

A couple of weeks before I had bought a two-liter soft drink for just such an occasion. It was in the bottom of the refrigerator door nicely chilled for young grandson.

I say WAS because upon checking there was now an empty bottle of soft drink in the refrigerator.

“Don,” I yelled from the kitchen, “Did you drink the soft drink in the refrigerator? I bought it for young grandson and he’s coming tomorrow and the bottle is here but it’s empty.”

“Don’t know anything about it,” I heard from the peanut gallery.

“You DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT?” I countered.

“Nope,” he replied, “I didn’t even know it was there.”

This is incredible, I thought.

Someone breaks into my house and eats cheese and drinks grandson’s soft drink and then leaves without even taking anything? The nerve. Is burglar person (oh, sorry, home invader) saying the only thing worth stealing in my WHOLE HOUSE is cheese and pop? How embarrassing!

So this morning while doing routine pick up and put up around the house I found an odd bag lying on my kitchen counter. From the words on the bag it looks like it once held something like a cleaning cloth. I picked it up and looked it over, never having laid eyes on it before. I shrugged my shoulders wondering where it came from.

“Don,” I yelled, “Did you put this bag on my kitchen counter?”

“Never seen it before,” he said with a straight face and not even a hint of a smile or twinkle in those big ol’ cow eyes.

“Well then where did it come from?” I wanted to know.

“Couldn’t tell ya,” He said flippantly as he passed my way.

“Humph.” I mumbled.

So now we are missing cheese, soft drink and someone is cleaning up after himself or herself after they break in?

I don’t think so.

This is a clear case of one or the both of us losing our mind(s) and because of that dreaded condition one or the both of has no clue to what’s going on in the Hopkins’s household.

Well, that’s what someone might want me to think. However without going into detail I have my own theories about what’s going on around here.

I haven’t been beat yet. Stay tuned.

P.S. Upon reading this to Innocent Man for his approval he reminded me that he only eats one slice of cheese a day. Yeah, right.

You get the picture

(Contact award-winning columnist Sherry Hopkins at swhcsc@wildblue.net.)