There are scads and oodles of newsworthy headlines that never see the ink of the press. Some were (and still are) squashed for religious reasons to prevent misconceptions involving deviate preachers, perverted Boy Scout leaders, and teachers who seduce their students.

Oh, and every now and then a particularly clumsy or inept specimen will get caught, but I theorize that a larger percent of the smarter and more devious ones are bound to slip through the cracks, and the ones who do manage to get caught, usually by the media, only have to deal with the Mississippi State Penal Code which is lacking in horsepower.

When I run for legislature, it is my idea to revise the anemic penal code for miscreants of that ilk.
Now preachers who preach hellfire and brimstone, while they carry on lascivious relations with the good sisters of the church house and eat their Sunday chicken, I recommend a change of diet to armadillo and buttermilk.

That sounds worse than 90 days for adultery to me, and is a deterrent (99%) to spongers and grafters masquerading beneath the guise of the cloth.

As for pedophiles and Boy Scout freaks, they are particularly harsh point of corruption and deserve a little extra. There is a bordello that belongs to a few former associates of mine that specializes in all sorts of morbid and sordid activities down in Nicaragua.

While I have little contact with that part of the Americas anymore, I’ve been assured that entertainment of a sort can and will be provided and as soon as we can round them rascals up to cattle boat, they will be provided with their own crib and with perverted soldiers from a war zone can provide for their personal entertainment.

While my policies do not endorse vigilante justice, it seems that the punishment ought to be fit the crime. It was suggested at a pre-campaign dinner (just before the crawfish ran out) that a proper punishment should be devised for corporate executives and politicians who skim the profits and allow their hands to stray into the till on an all-too-regular basis. Looting the public treasury (such as it is), burning county fuel on private junkets, etc. I didn’t think of this one personally but I wish I had. It seems to be deterrent to the “till dippers.”

The cure is quick and easily done. The ingredients are simple and cheap to acquire.

1 #6 bear trap in good working order
1 Franklin note ($100) bill)
1 Pair Smith and Wesson handcuffs
3 gallon extra strong chicory coffee
1. Force feed the greedy thief all the coffee on an empty stomach. That will make him a little on the shaky side.
2. Put the cash underneath the trigger pan of the bear trap.
3. Wait until the chicory has him rattling around pretty good
4. Handcuff his left hand to the trigger pan on the trap.
5. Go drink a 6-pack of Dr. Pepper and listen.

If upon your return the cash and the arm still intact and attached, he is probably rehabilitated (at least by 56%)

If the arm and the trap are still there but the subject and the cash are gone, he was probably a member of Congress.

If everything is missing including the bear trap, keep him. He’s White House material.
On the campaign trail,
Ricky Harpole