“Sawin’” firewood whiskey gets old after a while, especially when you’ve got a gallon or three in reserve on a cold winter’s night. It also stirs up unrelated thoughts that can only lead to trouble, sometimes even for me.

• If the whole world  revolves around you, you can pretty much afford to “take a break”

• For personal entertainment, back  in my misspent youth, I was encouraged to make snow cream for my little sister just as soon as mamma and daddy figured I’d decided not to poison  her.

• You can spend your Christmas holidays figgerin’ out  new ways  to make an upgraded version of a stinkbomb in a classroom, or consider various ways to attach munitions or similar explosives to your granny’s cat’s tail.

• You can learn to reload  your uncle’s shotgun shells with blanks, so he’ll think he’s goin’ blind ‘cause he’s been missin’ a lot more squirrels than he did last year and decide to go either to get his eyes checked out or re-sight his guns. At that point you’ve had a pretty good  break from the mediocrities of life .

• You can perfect several methods of cheating on exams that are outdated and pass them on to your classmates so they get busted.

• You can shove a potato in the exhaust pipe of your cousin’s car so it wont’ start and he can’t show up on time to pick up his date.

• You can dye Easter eggs while they’re still fresh out of the hen, raw and uncooked and mix them in with the ones that your aunt spent so much time decorating. This can be a little tricky and freak out innocent children you’ve never even met .

• You can send Valentine’s cards to people in your class that you dislike and sign someone’s name who you dislike even more.

• You can spend a month or two crankin’  up on April Fool’s Day and not get ahead ‘cause the average fooler ain’t got but one prank per year to pump out .

• You can print up a few flyers that say CIRRROTIC LIVERCHEESE  SOLD HERE  and post them at local grocery stores. You can procure a potion known as SKUNK OIL, commonly used by hunters to mask their scent while deer hunting and deposit  the entire contents of the whole bucket in a Redneck Juke Joint.

• You can arrange for a co-conspirator to call your ex-wife and tell her you croaked in Alabama from ptomaine poisoning and then show up at  their victory celebration alive and well thus disappointing all of your in-laws and most  of your children who were blowing the inheritance they expected to collect .

This kind of weather makes me think too much so I better hush up now. Too much thinking has been known to cause constipation and  an insufficient supply of Scotch has been proven to cause delirium tremens this time of day.

• You could call a particularly un-pious  minister and tell him everybody has been saved and gone to heaven so he can retire. Or just go back to bed.