As everybody knows New Year’s resolutions are made to be knocked in a ditch. Everybody makes ‘em, but like a February snowman, they just don’t hold up.

It’s a matter of record that I’ve massacred every one I ever made before the year ended and it usually only took only a week or two.

One year my doctor recommended I gain 10 pounds, so I put that on my list. Didn’t happen.

The next year another medical magician suggested I lose 10 pounds with equal results and here I am still at the original 140.

A year or two later I foreswore cigarettes and scotch and man, that one didn’t even make it to sunrise.

I once disclaimed swearing and cussing in any language. Due to some evil children with a string of Black Cat firecrackers who caught me napping, that one didn’t last much past New Year’s Dinner.

It has come to me that we just expect too much of ourselves when it comes to self betterment.

Through the resolution process we have taken ourselves to extremes.

It seems we ought to aim a little “lower” at resolutions that are less likely to hinder our pleasant lifestyles.

First, pick out something you once did out of ignorance that produced really unpleasant consequences (disasters even) that you ain’t gonna do again anyway and put them on your list.

Next, make a list of things that you’re gonna have to do anyway. Things your wife or kids or employer or the IRS will insist that you do. With that outlook in mind also take the view that you might set a personal record for compliance.

These are my unbreakable New Year’s resolutions.

1. I will not ride a hog this year.

2. I will not leave any scotch or bourbon unattended in my ex-wife’s presence.

3. I will not make any bets about my marksmanship capabilities before my morning scotch.

4. I will not make bets of any kind that involve parachutes.

5. I will not drink any water, anywhere, at any time, while in Mexico.

6. I will not attempt to pet any dogs of any breed that wear spiked collars or log chains.

7. I will not babysit more than two small children at the same time.

8. I will not get in anymore shoot outs with burglars with a half loaded gun.

9. I won’t marry any redheaded women from Arkansas.

10. I will not be a candidate for any political office.

11. I will not refrain from swearing and cussing about (or at) any politician who has proven himself to be so inept an embezzler, that he got caught.

12. I will not converse with any police women masquerading as prostitutes.

There you have it boys and girls. A round dozen of resolutions that I won’t do and that have a better than average chance to be kept.

But wait, there’s more. I’ve also composed an easy compliance list of resolutions that I will do this year.

1. I will feed every hungry stray that wanders into the yard before I decide whether I should keep it or shoot it.

2. I will keep no ma’ams and yes ma’ams and pleases and thank-yous at hand at all times.

3. I will pray about anything that threats and bribes can’t cure.

4. I will never be late for work on payday.

 5. I will listen to the Local Yokel show at 7:15 a.m. on Saturday morning (if I remember to set the alarm).

6. I will read this newspaper whether or not I have any lies printed in it, so I can drag up dirt to use for ammunition in future columns.

8. I will continue to consume inferior grades of alcohol and cigarettes in unhealthy quantities while in the company of companions of low social status and questionable or (non-existent) morals.

Well, that’s about enough. I don’t want to outshame everybody too bad when the poll results are in this time next year.

Shoot, we’re already a week into the new year without me missing a beat and I expect most of y’all are already shot down.

Next year I’m gonna have me a trophy if I have to buy it myself. I would have made a resolution about getting these lies to the paper on time but just last week Mrs. Rita Jean herself had to cover for me because I was too sick (hungover) to write. She ain’t cooled off yet.

Have a good year,

Ricky Harpole

(Contact Harpole at www.facebook.com/harpolive or www.colespointrecords.com)