People, have you grown sick and tired and disgusted with your lawfully wedded significant other? Has he or she trodden on your last shredded nerve? Would you like to disassociate your main problem from your life without resorting to a shotgun or straight razor?

Do you sometimes feel that you could use a straitjacket and a five gallon bucket of Thorazine to calm yourself down?

If you have answered yes to these four questions we just might have solution to rectify your increasingly desperate situation.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, we now have the online Divorce Kit. It’s got everything you need to shuck that mistake you unfortunately married and show it your tail light.

This is your opportunity to cut the anchor chain and leave that dead weight dead in the water, for a very reasonable investment of only about $92.50 including filing fees at your friendly local courthouse. All you have to do is purchase this wonderful collection of documents and somehow trick your wretched catastrophe into signing them.

Before you know it, you’ll be free as a bird. If that vulture from purgatory is reluctant to sign there are several methods of trickery and chicanery you can employ to overcome these minor obstacles. You can, for instance, arrange for an expendable partner in crime to impersonate a parcel delivery person in order to obtain signatures for several boxes of his/her “secret admirer-sent” goodies of whatever the degenerate soon-to-be-ex might have a craving for.
If that option isn’t viable, there is always bribery, but the issues and repercussions of this approach have a high ratio of risk to satisfaction. Let’s face it, soon-to-be-liberated boys and girls, all judges are not corruptible.

If you’ve been unable to find liberation from that carping old snoring, belching fossil, here is the sure-fire painkiller: Have one of his or her cronies or partners mention how easy it would be to divorce YOU and they will do it just to get in the last word and think that it was their idea in the first place and wind up footing the entire $92.50 themselves, thereby making the whole process free of cost to you.

Now, that is the Republican way and, like war, according to W.T. Sherman, “cannot be refined or improved upon.”

Remember what liberation is all about:  freedom to go screw up again.

Been there, done that
Ricky Harpole