Harpole Column

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Ricky Harpole

Open letter to the Board of Aldermen of the City of Sardis

My name is Richard “Ricky” Harpole. I am a resident and a registered voter of Panola County. As I have stated may times in the past, “I have no political ambitions.” However, I am in serious need of gainful employment and I have noticed a public announcement in this newspaper, advertising for a “Chief of Police” (03-19-2010).

While I may not be “Chief” material, I do have , I feel qualifications for the job, which are my 5 Point Policy.

1. I am not a poor liar, I am just poor.

Sign up for our daily email newsletter

Get the latest news sent to your inbox

2. I enjoy aggravating and intimidating persons in authority, as well as those who only think they are.

3. I do not know any bribable judges.

4. I am not yet a convicted felon.

5. I always throw back any catfish caught out of season.

While I am in favor of “Beat the Ticket,” I do have standards and reservations on certain points. These being:

A. Do not text when driving if you are a poor driver to start with. If you make the mistake of plugging that device into your ear before you engage the brake, in MY town, there will be issues and repercussions.

B. Do not ignore safety factors regarding school children, even when they are in violation of traffic laws and common sense, for they are stressed out, too.

C. Do not disregard common courtesy points, like “Please,” “Thank You,” and “Much Obliged” when dealing with the general public. Even though you may be a city employee like the other chiefs were.

I would also like to see a City Ordinance passed protecting any citizen who may be ambushed by a wild animal within the city limits. If above mentioned wild animal caused damage to their person or their vehicle they would receive at least partial compensation by being allowed to eat said animal or have it professionally mounted and put on display at City Hall.

The Help Wanted Ad in The Panolian states that all resumés must be submitted before April 9, which is 8 days past April Fool’s Day. It also states that a job description can be picked up at City Hall. Hopefully this public statement will be close enough for government work.

As of now I am currently within a semester of having completed an Associate’s Degree in Criminal Justice for NWJC, (Which is what NWCC was called when I began the degree in 1975). I also worked for the Mississippi Department of Correcttions in my misspent youth. These facts are not withstanding, I feel that my strongest qualifications is the fact that I have stayed out of jail and avoided the attendant problems associated with a muscially-inclined, bounty hunter lifestyle.

My basic techniques being “evasion and denial,” superior fire power and a Heaven-sent inborn ability for misdirection and confusion. Perhaps I have missed my calling, but if I have, it is because my daddy would have been taken me to the woodshed if he thought I had contemplated the acts of my predecessors in either law enforcement or politics.

I give you my solemn vow that I will be only as corrupt as the circumstances permit. I really need this job.

Respectfully,

Ricky Harpole