I wrote an article earlier this century about the handiest invention of the 20th century. It was the Pamper. We now have the runner up. As a matter fact, you are holding it in your hand, if you are reading these words. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is the newspaper!!

Never mind that there were newspapers in abundance before 1900, (though there were mostly yellow journalism varieties, and remained filled with unusual phrases and archaic spellings), and I realize that we are now a decade into the 21st Century. None of this matters to me as a guest columnist for there is a rule of journalism called artistic license. This is similar to the Constitutional 5th Amendment. The truth sometimes interferes with a good story, which this may or may not be!!!!

To consider all the possible uses of this valuable aritifact would be impossible. There is simply no enough ink available for a complete enumeration.

This article is designed to be a user guide, for the consumer, to insure that you as a consumer, get your six bits worth out of this publication, and others like it.

First of all, I recommend that you read it. You are certain to find something therein to make you either laugh or cuss (curse, Yankee interpretation). In either case, both are proven stress relievers and are good for you. As the AMA and any parent who has time to admit it, will concede. I will admit that depending upon the publication you choose, you will not get a standardized return on your investment based upon content alone.

For instance: The broadening enlightenment factor will be disparate between the “Walnut Journal:” and “The National Relaxer,” although both provide useful services.

We strongly recommend after you have read your newspaper, store it in a pick-up truck, for a camping trip. Bear in mind, that it is an exceptional glass cleaner, and will, to a certain degree, soak up spills, you might want to leave the editorial section at home for the new puppy, (no dog regardless of breed, can make the necessary social adjustments without proper papers).

This newspaper, when spread two sheets thick, will make an excellent board for rolling biscuit dough when stretched tightly across a convenient stump. It will serve well as a paper towel for absorbing excess grease from catfish or French fries that some drunken camp cook has mangled. It also works on outboard mixing-oil spills.

Moving right along, consider the handy pest control feature. Vigorous insects are quickly subdued by a well aimed whack, even while using weaker publications, such as the Democrat or The Times. The want-ad section is particularly useful due to its heft and caliber, for behavioral modification on dogs, cats, and other varmints. It is not recommended for use on children, wives or husbands.

Studies have shown that peach limbs, willow switches, and cast iron skillets, effect better results there.

Have you ever tried to decommission on a drafty breezeway around a leaky window with a d….n computer. You never would get thawed out!!!

Several years back, I was considering a government service job, and purchased a book from a Colorado publisher entitled, The CIA’s Little Black Book of Dirty Tricks, that listed ways to liquidate enemies of the State, using only a newspaper. I am confident that the process would be equally effective for an ACLU Lawyer, or even a guest columnist that had provoked a surly reader into believing he had been cheated of his precious six bullets (75 cents, Yankee interpretation), so I’m keeping that information to myself. Well, there you have it, ink, pulp, trash, information and all. Hopefully you paid for it. It’s yours. It’s al yours. Experiment and enjoy.

Gone Camping

Ricky Harpole