I have stated before that I don’t like to drive, especially at night. In spite of my age- inflicted phobia, I found myself behind the wheel in route to Batesville Sunday night during a January thunderstorm, navigating Old Red along, in spite of her asthmatic defrosting system and arthritic windshield wipers, jockeying for position with drivers only a little less handicapped than myself.

Now I ask you readers, what sort of mission would drive a rational (more or less) man out of a cozy hovel to take a death-defying plunge into Batesville traffic on the Lord’s Day?

That’s right, children, a catastrophe involving the least addition.

Thank heavens it was not a medical situation or anything of that nature, but nonetheless, one that must be attended to forthwith. A sortie only grandparents and other cradle cricket collectors refer to as the Pamper Run.

This product is by far the most useful convenience produced for the health and sanity of mankind in the 20th Century. The purpose for which this product was designed has been likened to that of time and fresh poured concrete. It waits for no man!!!

Thirty years ago I might have been coaxed into such a maelstrom for the attentions and affections of a certain young lady (an indirect co-sponsor of the least addition) and as recently as 20 years ago, it would have been a beer run, but these halcyon days are gone forever.

People, February is yet to come, and me and Old Red might not survive on the perils of ice, so take good advice and stock up while the sun shines.

Always for progress,

Ricky Harpole